i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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