1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
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