How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
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