I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
