I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Couch. On fire.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
