Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
