You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
