Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
