I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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