Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
