I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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