Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
