Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize