no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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