i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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