I hate all girls vehemently.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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