ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
