so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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