Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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