mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She swung at the pinata with crutches
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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