its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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