problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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