I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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