He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
