I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
