At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
