tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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