Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
