So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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