Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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