I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
