I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
