I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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