turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
