Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
