we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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