There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
