Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize