I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
