sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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