you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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