I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
