my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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