2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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