i love accidental penises.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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