I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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