apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
