you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
there was a trapeze. enough said
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
