You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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