all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
