I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
