Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
