watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
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