Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Randomize
