I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize