i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize