I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
