We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
