I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
