just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
