Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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