paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
