Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
