Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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