Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
third nipple confirmed
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize