I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Randomize
