what if every blade of grass was a penis?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize